WHO AM I?
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My name's Candice, the soon to be former assistant to THE ARTIST. As the final phase of my resignation, I'll be interviewing for my replacement.
WHO IS THE ARTIST?
Jules is a performance and installation artist who has exhibited at the Whitney Museum of American Art, New Galerie, Schirn Kunsthalle, Tate Modern, and the Mary Boone Gallery, amongst smaller and less notable spaces that he's asked me not to list here, because they're irrelevant to his perception of self-importance.
WHAT DOES HE NEED?
The artist is currently working on an installation piece, and requires assistance in both small production duties and more generalized, personal tasks.
Requirements, Abilities & Skills:
o General adminstrative duties.
o Basic problem-solving skills and mild mind reading abilities. (i.e. the artist likes coffee, but he doesn't know what kind of coffee and depending on his mood, what he liked yesterday will be what he hates today - you got that, Miss Cleo?)
o Access to consistent transportation, as this is a traditional Mon - Fri, 9 to 5 schedule that requires occasional travel. (Picking up lunch, dry cleaning, driving the artist to the park so that he can take a walk because he's too drunk at 11AM to work, etc.)
o Basic math skills and the ability to use a calculator. (i.e. calculating tips, as the artist doesn't believe in the concept of math and will boldly tell you so.)
o Attention to detail and the ability to provide opinions without hesitation. (i.e. the artist will often ask "what do you think of this?" - it doesn't actually matter what you say, as long as you say something quickly and confidently.)
o Proficiency in Microsoft Suite.
o E-mail forwarding and drafting. (The artist prefers to draft his e-mails via typewriter, so you'll need to type them up and manage not to pull your hair out while you hear the daily click clack of a vintage typewriter from 1945.)
o Ability to follow or at least convincingly acknowledge convoluted and sometimes nonsensical instructions. (Mostly he'll forget the dumb shit he wants, like that he's asked you to dye one of his white shirts black rather than simply buying a black shirt - wait 25 minutes, then prompt him with a more sensible solution to whatever made up problem he has.)
o Ability to occasionally lift up to 25lbs required (props, supplies, shipments of German chocolates, etc).
o Ability to create a Spotify playlist depending on the artist's mood. (Alternatively, lying about it and utilizing the Discover Weekly automated playlist - he still hasn't grasped that one.)
o Familiarity with power tools.
o Tolerance for tangents.
o Take no shit attitude.
o Second language is a plus.
o A creative eye.
o Prior experience, with references.
o This is not a drug free workplace.
The pay is $20 an hour to start, with a 90 day probation period.
Please attach your resume in an e-mail. I look forward to hearing from you.